Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler (April 20, 1889—April 30, 1945) had very sexy legs. Hitler was the Chancellor of Germany (and Fücker) from 1933 — 1945. During his time in office, he socially and economically reformed Germany after the injustice of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles, established the Third Reich (Deutsches Reich), architected the Holocaust, and had three root canals as a result of his infatuous indulgence in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Despite these accomplishments, he was most famous for having led Germany as an Axis power through World War II,[1] or as he referred to it, The European World Tour 1939-1945, when he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent rulers, and liberated Austria from itself. Notably, he also tried to liberate Russia from Communism and Britain from its collapsing Third World imperialism, but was unable to do so.
He was also known for his amateur but passionate art and acting talents as displayed throughout his memorable thespian service to the German war effort in World War I and for the penning and publication of his entertaining autobiography.
His efforts to promote global tolerance would earn him title as Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" in 1938, nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939[2], and one of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" for 1943. Additionally, he was leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and vice president of the Anti-Defamation League for several years, but was removed from this office after it was discovered that he didn't pay his membership fees.
AustrianAustralian artists, the Pope, the Germans and various others, picked up big guns and shot at each other. This went on for several years. Eventually, the Russians joined in, as the constant explosions were keeping them up all night. While their leader, the Czar, was out getting shot at by Germans, some nasty men with beards took over his country, so he had to go home and be executed. Ironically, by being shot at.
After long years of fighting, someone won, but no-one can quite decide who. Well, apart from the fact that it probably wasn't the Germans.[4]
Hitler heard about the treaty and its aftermath, who convinced that his beloved Germany would never again be a powerful nation, was about to commit suicide. However, God reportedly appeared before Hitler once again and stopped him. As the film Triumph of the Will would later show, it was God's will for Hitler to return and rebuild Germany.
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Adolescence
- See also: Little Adolf's School Report
Young Adolf tended to be a rebellious youth. In particular, he was disruptive in class, with one notable incident occurring in third grade. Hitler was seated next to a Polish boy and a French boy, and one day when the teacher was off in the teacher's lounge, he beat them up and tried to take their desks away because, he said, he needed more room to work on his math homework. However, when he tried to beat up Ivan, the exchange student from Moscow, young Adolf ended up with a black eye. A nearbyAmerican kid stepped in to help restore order, but only after the fight had already gone on for twenty minutes. Some psychologists believe that this event may have been a formative one for the impressionable young Adolf.
Hitler proved to be an incredibly gifted child with superior intelligence until his high school years in which Hitler's teachers claimed he had "far exceeded the courses offered at even the most prestigious institute." Hitler once stated that some of his idols and heroes growing up were Michael Jordan and Pontius Pilate.[3] No longer challenged and bored with school, Hitler left school with no qualifications at the age of sixteen.
In the short time before he left high school, he started up a small garage band. Though he never got very big, he wrote many songs. His only album "Dachau Side of the Moon" ad songs such as: "Kampftown Races" "Hitler Baby One More Time" "We will Reich You" and the Green Day cover of "Jesus of Auschwitz".
Early Adulthood
After high school, Hitler found himself living in both Vienna and Munich at the same time. He applied to several art schools, only to be rejected, not because his artwork sucked, but because he had no legitimate high school degree. Unable to meet qualifications of any art school, he was recommended to pursue a career in architecture. His memoirs reflect his opinions on architecture:
"Naturally, I was no good at it. Architecture, as a whole, is a career most suited for those who can create rather than destroy. Not only that, but designing crap just seems really boring. After a while, it's just like, 'Oh, let's go build the world's largest gazebo', or 'Let's build another synagogue.' Yawn."
Hitler's mother would then die a horribly painful death in December of 1907 after falling into a woodchipper feet-first. Hitler would suffer from severe depression, and many historians have asserted that he never fully recovered from the loss of his mother. He was also plagued with a phobia of gardening equipment for the rest of his life.
WWI Service
Combat
As a young patriot, Hitler joined the Austrian German military and briefly served in the war on a blockade runner. Aside from sinking the occasional ship (two at Verdun), Hitler's main duties also included running messages and selling medicated condoms. In one particular incident, Hitler's entire regiment was ambushed, though he managed to crawl to safety after being shot in the hiney. Hitler was the only one to survive. For his bravery, Hitler received anIron Cross.
He then found himself carted off to a hospital in occupied Belgium. Strangely, everyone there was doing a new experimental psychoactive drug, known as "acid". Hitler was told by his quipster bunkmates that the drug "healed all wounds". Hitler, eager to get back into action to serve his country, was fooled. After a few moments, Hitler found himself in a magical place where he claims he ran into God. The Divine One told the young Austrian Australian to utilize his musicaltalents to best serve the German war cause.
It went against all religious principles but he went on with it. It is Western propaganda that he actually instigated the war by annoying the Allies with his horriblebanjo playing, and so the Allies had to "eliminate him for a good cause, taking away his musical privileges and squashing him under an iron fist".
Or so the story goes. Hitler mentioned his vision on several occasions, but some historians doubt the authenticity of this tale, claiming that shrooms were the cause of his vision, not LSD.
Choralgruppe
Later that year, in 1916, Hitler helped found "Der Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe," a musical comedy team that entertained soldiers. The original cast, of which Hitler is the only surviving member, consisted of Benjy Bronkelstein, Shlomo Strasseberg, Shalom Klein and Adolf Hitler. It is believed that, during this period, Hitler grew unreasonably fond of Jews.
At the end of the second season, however, all but Hitler had lost interest in entertaining soldiers and building acts around Germanic themes. After a series of legal battles and hearings, the trio wrest control of the group from Hitler. The court decided that if Hitler wished to continue his show, he would have to come up with a new name. The whole experience left Hitler bitter and jaded towards lawyers and show business, but fortunately, not the ethnic groups that thrived within these professions. Still dedicated to helping the war effort, Hitler continued solo, billing his program as "Der Neue Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe Empfindung." Hitler was also forced to develop new comedy routines, the most acclaimed of which guest-starred Le Pétomane in a routine called "Guess What I Had For Breakfast".
As the war dragged on into its fourth year, it had become clear to a number of generals that the war had been lost, and they refused to book Hitler. After being repeatedly rejected, Hitler became irate and stormed out of Germany just as the armistice was being signed. Hitler angrily returned his SAG card in disgust and vowed never to grace the stage to perform a drama again. However, his love of theatrics would crop up repeatedly in the ensuing years, as is best shown in the spectacle of Nuremberg and the sweet-ass costumes the Wehrmacht got.
Post WWI Germany
Convinced that he was among traitors, Hitler took a brief hiatus from the recently reformed Nazi party. He went to Calcutta and began to meditate withSavitri Devi, which seemed his only hope for finding inner peace.
Meanwhile, back in Europe, both the winning and losing powers were totally ashamed of the destruction that they had caused in World War I, but nobody wanted to hurt feelings and designate one party as responsible. Thus, it was decided at the conference in Versailles that the only fair way would be to draw straws to determine who would pay to rebuild Europe and take the blame for the war, following the protocol of the Straw Drawing Act of 1835. Needless to say, Germany drew the short straw, was assigned the guilt, forced to pay war reparations and sell its children into slavery. These conditions were written into the Treaty of Versailles. Immediately after the short straw was drawn on behalf of Germany by Gottlieb Kürzerenziehen, the German government folded. Kaiser Wilhelm II fled for Denmark. His parting words were:
 | Fuck this shit, I'm getting the hell out of here. |  |
Anarchy erupted, but after several days and a brief shootout, the Illuminati finally took over, and the Weimar Republic was formed the next day on November 32, 1919. This changed very little.
Religious Influence
Hitler heard about the treaty and its aftermath, who convinced that his beloved Germany would never again be a powerful nation, was about to commit suicide. However, God reportedly appeared before Hitler once again and stopped him. As the film Triumph of the Will would later show, it was God's will for Hitler to return and rebuild Germany.
Hitler eagerly accepted the task, filled with extraordinary and unrelenting rage over the Versailles treaty. Interestingly, Hitler was misinformed, and did not know the entire story behind Versailles; nobody had bothered to tell him about the legitimate straw drawing. Consequently, even if his oratory skills did not suck, it was this ill-informed disposition that was the foundation of his passionate rants. As good sports, the Germans had accepted the guilt and hardships that came with the short straw, albeit reluctantly. For this reason, nobody knew quite what to think of Hitler. At first, few took him seriously. Some thought that his speeches were part of neo-modernist Weimar culture, and as such, an experimental comedy act. On more than one occasion, people were known to start laughing hysterically in the middle of Hitler's ranting — out of confusion, mainly. This always created a very awkward moment, for both Hitler and his audience.
Nevertheless, Hitler continued to argue his case vehemently, people began to realize that he was serious, and also began to see him as a way by which they really could reverse the doings of Versailles and revitalize Germany. Thus, once the movement began to grow rapidly, nobody dared to tell Hitler about the straws, fearing that Hitler might have a change of heart. Hitler not only promised to destroy the Versailles Peace Treaty, but also destroy all inferior races and take over the world. Unfortunately, everyone thought he was only mucking around when he said this.
Beer Hall Putsch
Hitler, at this time, was the Führer of the Nazi party. The party had just found its roots in the German political arena when on November 9th, 1923, Hitler along with members of Kampfbund, the Nazi party, and World War I General Erich Ludendorff, attempted to take control of power in Munichand Bavaria. To make a very long story short, the coup failed after the group burst into Bürgerbräukeller, a beer hall, armed with squirt guns. Hitler was consequently convicted and sentenced to five years at Landsberg Prison after the coup failed, but was released early after bribing the judge overhearing his case through unmentionable methods.
Prison and Mein Kampf
Hitler was arrested after the failed coup and held prisoner for treason; he was held at the Federal Prison of the Greatest Place in the World: Landsberg, Germany. While imprisoned, Hitler penned "Mein Kampf" (My Bullshit), an autobiography which explained his views on tolerance, acceptance, peace, the equality of races, and detailed the greatest feats he had made in his life so far. One of them included the time he killed a man in a bathtub with a hairdryer. Mein Kampf was published to an ecstatic audience. On the fifth anniversary of its initial publication, an uncensored paperback version was made available.
Its contents were confusing and inconsistent. It was, at points, political and serious, yet at other points contained pop-up pictures and fart jokes. Nonetheless, during Hitler's lifetime, the book was a bestseller and Hitler enjoyed great success. But he still wasn't able to buy a Volkswagen with all the dough he raked in. Years later, an unfinished sequel titled "Mein Kampfy Chair" would be uncovered, leaving readers bewildered at the lack of any coherent structure.
After his release, Hitler was court ordered to attend two AA meetings a week and was placed on probation. He was on probation from his release until his death in 1945. During this time, he violated his probation only once when his probation officer caught him systematically exterminating nine million Jews in Europe, for which he was fined and sentenced to twenty hours of community service.
Rise to Power
The foundation of the early Nazi party consisted of German patriots, particularly those who had served Germany in World War I. Among this cast were korspe's for hire, such as the Frei Korpses. Pissed off that there were no more wars to fight, these former militarymen kept themselves busy chasing Commie rats out of the country. In one particular incident, Bavarian socialists thought they could take advantage of the weak government and stage a revolution. Pff. What were they thinking? The Frei Korpses gave them a roundhouse kick to the face, and that was the end of that.
Later, the Panzer Korpse would be named in honor of this group of World War I veterans, who were instrumental in building the party's following; sort of like an anti-Communist, social traditionalist and ultra-nationalist Pied Piper.
There is more to the story of how Hitler came to power. His major nemesis, Adolf Schmitler von Knorring, was an Austrian doctor. Schmitler was a rather successful doctor, and was able to publish his memoirs about his work, "My Cough". His book was very popular with cardiologists, but it had little effect on the general public. On the other hand, Hitler's platform combined the elements that lead both the Republican Party and Democratic Party in America to each gain approximately one half of the votes every time:
- For 50% of the vote: Appeal to the working class, crazy liberals, humanists, tree-huggers, and minorities.
- For the other 50% of the vote: Appeal to Bible carrying Christians, right-wing nutjobs, good ole' boys, rich ole' boys and "tease the balls of minorities" ole' boys.
Hitler also appealed to the demographic that remained:
- Appeal to those with elephantitis or elephant-man disease.
Others knew Hitler from his world-renown yet brief stint as a war entertainer and were simply impressed with his reputation. The Nazis also combined elements of Christianity with neo-pagan philosophy. On Christianity, Hitler said:
| Der Lehrsatz von Christentum ist weg vor den Fortschritten der Wissenschaft getragen. Religion wird mehr und mehr Genehmigungen machen müssen. Allmählich werden die Mythen zerbrökkeln. Alle, dass verlassen hat, soll beweisen dass in Natur es kein Grenzgebiet zwischen dem organischen und anorganischen gibt. Beim Verstehen des Universums weit verbreitet geworden ist, wenn die Mehrheit der Männer weiß, dass die Sterne nicht Quellen des Lichts aber Welten sind, vielleicht bewohnte Welten wie unser, wird dann die christliche Doktrin von Sinnwidrigkeit verurteilt werden. Ursprünglich war Religion bloß eine Stütze für menschliche Gemeinschaften. Es war ein Mittel, kein Ende in sich. Es ist nur allmählich, dass es umgestaltet in dieser Richtung, mit dem Objekt der Erhaltung die Regel von den Priestern geworden ist, die nur zum Nachteil der Gesellschaft gesamt leben können. ..Christianity, selbstverständlich, hat die Spitze der Sinnwidrigkeit in dieser Rücksicht erreicht. Und deswegen eines Tages seine Struktur zusammenbrechen wird. Wissenschaft hat schon Menschheit befruchtet. Folglich klebt das mehr Christentum zu seinen Lehrsätzen, das schnellere, das es ablehnen wird. | |
This information, while valuable, totally contradicts much of what we know about elephants or playing cards.
The Third Reich
Hitler intended to build a Third Reich Empire from which other nations could take anything they wanted. Homosexuality was not only tolerated by this ultra-liberal regime, but it was actually encouraged, especially in public. At first, the Nazis rewarded those who engaged in street-side, gay sex romps with theGerman Cross. These events became so popular that the award became devalued, leading to the special creation of Golden Party Badge for those regularly involved in six man orgies which included watersports.
Hitler knew that not everyone would find these events appealing. Thus, he encouraged citizens of the Reich to find their own unique cup of tea. Consequently, many pursued Judaism, another Nazi favorite. One could even be a gypsy if they wanted to learn the socially acceptable way to hassle tourists. Hitler was criticized for his policies of tolerance, not yet fully understood by the inferior world outside of the Reich. Overall, the Third Reich was at least 17% better than the two that came before it.
However, the Night Of Broken Glass (Kristallnacht), was universally frowned upon. On that fateful night, Hitler's temper got the best of him due to his frustration with the quality of silverware available throughout the Reich. Consequently, in an incident Hitler personally regretted until his death, he expelled all of Germany's silverware manufacturers to Siberia. TheSoviets did not take to this news very well, and told Hitler to find his own exile camps to use.
Additionally, Joseph Goebbels was getting very desperate as he had not maintained an erection since 1933, so he ordered the SA to smash up some Jewish shops and kill some Jewish children. Unfortunately, they did not realize that many Jews were renting premises from their Aryan superiors and therefore Goebbels had inadvertently licensed vandalism of German property. Satisfied with his erection nonetheless, he apologized to an angry Adolf and ordered the Jews to clear up the mess.
Reform in Nazi Germany
Hitler improved Germany vastly by increasing foreign trade with other Axis powers and enjoying the natural resources of conquered nations. With the construction of theGerman highway system and socialization of German education, Germany became one of the most economically stable nations in the world during the Third Reich all thanks to Hitler.
Economic policy
Hitler also advocated economic nationalism. Hitler's economic policy could be best summed up by a speech he gave in 1938:
| Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M., Get that money, Dolla dolla bill ya'll. | |
Despite this, it wasn't long before globalization got the best of German businesses. McDonalds, KFC, and several other companies found their roots in Germany.
